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Posted 19th February 2024
Agony Oaf
Agony Oaf



DEAR AGONY OAF,

I need my crush to realise i’m perfect for them. Help!


We need to reference the Bible, aka 90s rom-coms. Grab some glasses, tie your hair up and when you see ‘em - whip off those frames and let your hair fall. They’ll be worshipping the floor you walk on in no time. Key bits of homework for prime execution are to look at: She’s All That, Laney Boggs.




DEAR AGONY OAF,


I need my crush to realise I’m perfect for them. Help!


We need to reference the Bible, aka 90s rom-coms. Grab some glasses, tie your hair up and when you see ‘em - whip off those frames and let your hair fall. They’ll be worshipping the floor you walk on in no time. Key bits of homework for prime execution are to look at: She’s All That, Laney Boggs.




DEAR AGONY OAF,

I have a rash on my shoulder, but it’s a cute heart shape, don’t wanna get rid… but feel like I should go to the Drs…


The only place you should be going is to a tattoo artist; it’ll be perfect stencil for a new cute little tattoo.




DEAR AGONY OAF,


I have a rash on my shoulder, but it’s a cute heart shape, don’t wanna get rid… but feel like I should go to the Drs…


The only place you should be going is to a tattoo artist; it’ll be perfect stencil for a new cute little tattoo.




DEAR AGONY OAF,

My girlfriend has stick insects and they have laid over 300 eggs – they've all started hatching recently and she has started secretly dropping them off in my bedroom – they really creep me out and I don't know how to confront her?


Common issue, I’ve consoled a lot of people through unwanted stick insect issues. You’re gonna want to take the stick insects far away, to a forest preferably, and let them all go. No more stick insects popping up around your home, and your girlfriend will have to stop. Unless she goes out and buys more, in that case you’re gonna have look for a new home.




DEAR AGONY OAF,


My girlfriend has stick insects and they have laid over 300 eggs – they've all started hatching recently and she has started secretly dropping them off in my bedroom – they really creep me out and I don't know how to confront her?


Common issue, I’ve consoled a lot of people through unwanted stick insect issues. You’re gonna want to take the stick insects far away, to a forest preferably, and let them all go. No more stick insects popping up around your home, and your girlfriend will have to stop. Unless she goes out and buys more, in that case you’re gonna have look for a new home.




DEAR AGONY OAF,

The person I have been seeing for a year blows snot bubbles when excited. They are a putrid thick consistency and I can not deal with it, shall i stop seeing them?


Interesting - I’ve got to ask, when did you start noticing this?

I have a friend who went M.I.A for a couple months, like zero contact, and when I asked their mum where they’d gone she said they were out doing “market research”. They worked at a local cafe, so I thought they could’ve be on a UK cafe taste test (that sounds bloody lovely, might have to do that). When they came back though something was off, as they too had started producing viscose snot bubbles. Curiosity killed the cat so I had to ask them what was going on. Turns out, while enjoying some Tangfastics, and doing their monthly rewatch of the ‘Skype Laughter Chain’, the unthinkable happened. They get to the bit that always gets them, the Dolphin laugh (if you know, you know), and whilst in fits of heavy inhale/exhale laughter, a foamy crocodile FLEW into their nasal cavity.

So, when your partner is next asleep, grab a flashlight and check up their honker. Chances are you might find a sour lil sweet up there.




DEAR AGONY OAF,


The person I have been seeing for a year blows snot bubbles when excited. They are a putrid thick consistency and I can not deal with it, shall i stop seeing them?


Interesting - I’ve got to ask, when did you start noticing this?

I have a friend who went M.I.A for a couple months, like zero contact, and when I asked their mum where they’d gone she said they were out doing “market research”. They worked at a local cafe, so I thought they could’ve be on a UK cafe taste test (that sounds bloody lovely, might have to do that). When they came back though something was off, as they too had started producing viscose snot bubbles. Curiosity killed the cat so I had to ask them what was going on. Turns out, while enjoying some Tangfastics, and doing their monthly rewatch of the ‘Skype Laughter Chain’, the unthinkable happened. They get to the bit that always gets them, the Dolphin laugh (if you know, you know), and whilst in fits of heavy inhale/exhale laughter, a foamy crocodile FLEW into their nasal cavity.

So, when your partner is next asleep, grab a flashlight and check up their honker. Chances are you might find a sour lil sweet up there.




DEAR AGONY OAF,

My partner's mum wore her wedding dress to our wedding, and brought her own cake! She refused to eat our wedding cake which we spent thousands on, and even tried to swap people's slices of our cake out for her own homemade one when they weren't looking. When the vicar asked if anyone objected she stood up and looked around, then exclaimed loudly 'Well if no one else wants to say it I will! This girl is punching up big time'. I'm not sure what to do to mend relations?


First off, gotta commend the boldness to do that, and speaking of bold - that leads me to the perfect revenge. Go to your local pharmacy and on your shopping list you need: heavily scented shampoo and conditioner, along with hair removal cream of maximum strength. Get your science hat on and mix as much of the hair removal cream as you can into both without the scent being recognisable. Pop ‘em in her shower and wait, patiently wait.




DEAR AGONY OAF,


My partner's mum wore her wedding dress to our wedding, and brought her own cake! She refused to eat our wedding cake which we spent thousands on, and even tried to swap people's slices of our cake out for her own homemade one when they weren't looking. When the vicar asked if anyone objected she stood up and looked around, then exclaimed loudly 'Well if no one else wants to say it I will! This girl is punching up big time'. I'm not sure what to do to mend relations?


First off, gotta commend the boldness to do that, and speaking of bold - that leads me to the perfect revenge. Go to your local pharmacy and on your shopping list you need: heavily scented shampoo and conditioner, along with hair removal cream of maximum strength. Get your science hat on and mix as much of the hair removal cream as you can into both without the scent being recognisable. Pop ‘em in her shower and wait, patiently wait.




DEAR AGONY OAF,

Should I ask a guy out or wait for him to make a move? IDK if he’s interested, Oaf?


Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do. Ask every, and I mean every, person he knows if he likes you. Word will get back to him, and if he doesn’t respond by showering you with affection, move on - he ain’t worth a damn minute more of your time.




DEAR AGONY OAF,


Should I ask a guy out or wait for him to make a move? IDK if he’s interested, Oaf?


Alright, here’s what you’re gonna do. Ask every, and I mean every, person he knows if he likes you. Word will get back to him, and if he doesn’t respond by showering you with affection, move on - he ain’t worth a damn minute more of your time.

Agony Oaf
Agony Oaf
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